it is better to be kind than to be right //

One of my favorite people ever from my mission in Oklahoma once told me after a long discussion of an offended member

“Sister Bailey, regardless, it is always better to be kind than to be right.”

And that has stuck with me ever since he uttered those wise words.

Yeah the situation wasn’t ideal and they stopped coming to church; however, someday they’ll remember and crave that sweet spirit the gospel brings. No matter what, I love them . . . even if it’s from a distance.

With my mission experience as a backdrop I hope I can elaborate more on this concept.

My mind moves 3,000 miles per hour.

I’m always thinking a million different thoughts. And maybe that’s why I have a hard time sitting still for too long.

I like to think I’m

A hard worker.

Passionate.

Smart.

Kind.

Loving.

Genuine.

Right . . .

I also realize that sometimes I may be kind of

Prideful.

Inconsiderate.

Mean.

Judgmental.

Hypocritical.

Loud.

Crazy.

Dramatic.

Emotional.

The list goes on and on but you get the idea.

Maybe it’s just me or maybe it’s our generation but it can be pretty hard for me to take criticism.

I want to be told that I’m right and that I’m great and special and beautiful.

It’s hard to hear that I’m too much to handle or too loud or too self-centered.

Whatever you make think about me could be right; or, it could be completely wrong.

Regardless

I do not know what goes on in your life every day.

I do not know the hard things in your life.

I do not know how you are really doing.

And maybe, just maybe, you do not know what is going on with me.

So how about we stop telling each other everything the other is doing wrong.

What if we just loved our friends, families, coworkers, neighbors . . .

Sorry, I just went all missionary on you.

But really.

I am perfectly aware that I do not always make the best decisions.

I am only twenty years old.

I know that’s not a completely valid excuse.

I also know that this life is about testing and trying and trials.

And I’m going to mess up sometimes.

I may not know all the answers to life’s questions.

I may not even know most of them.

But I do know these things for sure:

God is real

Prayer is real

Faith is real

The Savior is real

The Adversary is real

Happiness is real

And

The Atonement is real

We aren’t just given one chance, or two, or even three

We can always start again and try to be better

Remember that part about “enduring to the end”?

What about enjoying to the end?

And realizing that life comes with ups and downs

And sometimes you’ll get confused and overcomplicate things

I know I do

But when it comes down to it, what is really important?

For me, it’s family, God, the gospel, and finding your own happiness.

Another rant I often go on is that it’s important to be happy with yourself.

Yeah, sometimes you’re going to fall short.

I know that I expect too much of myself sometimes.

Then I get frustrated.

And sometimes I kind of just want to give up trying.

It’s just important to realize that you aren’t going to be perfect.

You’re going to mess up.

And you know what, you can keep on trying.

That’s all that He asks of us.

Just know that other people definitely bring happiness into your life.

My family brings me happiness.

My friends bring me happiness.

But it’s so important to me that I can be happy on my own.

I don’t have to rely on someone or something else in order to be happy.

And also, I’m learned that it is okay to be sad.

It’s okay to not be okay.

It’s okay to cry about it.

And at some point you just have to get over it and realize that the sun will come up tomorrow.

My new favorite phrase is “happy when it rains”

My point is simple. And I’ve found it true in my own life.

Happiness is a choice.

Your choice.

It’s your life and you can make it whatever you want it to be.

So work hard, be kind, be honest, realize that you don’t have to be right all the time, it’s not all about you; although, you should take care of yourself.

Lastly,

Love is always the answer.

That was cheesy.

Oh well.

I enjoy some classic sharp cheddar.

Don’t worry, be HAPPY.

And remember,

It’s better to be kind than to be right.

xoxo

i care way too much & i still can’t figure out if that’s a bad thing //

I care way too much about a lot of things.

I care about my family. I care that they are happy. I care that they are financially stable. I care that they are doing what they love.

I care about my friends. I care that we are on the same page. I care that we keep in touch. I care that we spend time together. I care that we can not see each other for a year and it’s still the same when we meet up. I care that they are happy. I care that we have fun. I care that on the bad days they are doing okay. I care that they know that I care.

I care about people I don’t even know.

I care that you think my outfit is cute.

I care that I have really pale skin and society tells me that’s ugly.

I care that my mom isn’t here and I wish she was.

I care that you complain about your mom calling you to see what you’re doing.

I care that you don’t appreciate that your dad really really loves you.

And he shows it.

I care that my teeth aren’t perfect and I never had braces.

I care that I haven’t really felt like myself since I got home.

I care that sometimes people let me down.

I care that sometimes I let people down.

Geez I care way too much

And there’s still more.

I care that you like The 1975 song I showed you last week.

I care that I can’t sing well anymore.

I care that when I laugh really hard I have a double chin.

I care that my back hurts too badly to do standing tucks whenever I want.

I care that I spent too much money.

I care that I kind of let my grades slip.

I care that I’m scared to talk to my dad.

I care that maybe people think I’m trying to be a videographer or a photographer (I’m not).

I care that maybe I’m a little too loud.

I care that I can’t actually dance very well.

I care that I’ve leaving in 11 days and I don’t want to say goodbye.

I care that you are sad that I’m leaving.

I care that you aren’t that sad that I’m leaving.

And I care that you care about me.

But mostly, I just want everyone to be happy.

I wanna fix everyone’s problems.

But that’s not going to happen today.

So maybe I care too much.

Even now

I still can't figure out if that's a bad thing.

the bucket list //

i've always had a crush on lists.

i used to make packing lists for vacations. i used to make lists of my clothes to help plan outfits in junior high. i used to make crazy to do lists. i started this bucket list some time during high school, since then i've added and crossed off a number of things; although, there is one i won't get the chance to cross off 

*sigh*

anyway here it is, weep it and read ;)

1.      Fall in love, with a handsome fellow and go to the temple.

2.      Become a mommy.

3.      Get into college.

4.      be kissed in the rain  (it was on a roof too, so double win)

5.      be kissed in a snow storm (it was downtown SLC, so yeah, it was amazing)

6.      go to Paris

7.      See the play Wicked.

8.      go on a mission

9.      read the Harry Potter books

10.  Carve our initials into a tree.

11.  Plant a garden.

12.  Get my personal progress award.

13.  go to every high school dance

14.  see Ed Sheeran in concert (best night of my life, I couldn’t love him more)

15.  Get floor seats to a concert. (The 1975, Chelsea @ the Cosmopolitan April 23, 106)

16.  Go backstage at a concert.

17.  go to Havasu Falls, AZ

18.  Meet an apostle.

19.  Visit ground zero in NYC.

20.  Go skinny dipping.

21.  Be on the kissing came at a sporting event.

22.  Campout on the beach.

23.  Go skydiving.

24.  Go scuba diving.

25.  buy something from anthropologie

26.  Do baptisms for the dead in the San Diego temple.

27.  Go outdoor rock climbing.

28.  Ride in a hot air balloon.

29.  Go on a blind date.

30.  own a German Shepard

31.  become a true knight (on Cassidy Ferrell’s car…#yolo #senioryear)

32.  Go to Disney World.

33.  Ride in a helicopter.

34.  Kiss someone on a Ferris wheel.

35.  Encourage someone to go on a mission.

36.  Receive flowers from a young man.

37.  kiss under the mistletoe

38.  Paddle board/kayak horseshoe bend.

39.  be someone's valentine

40.  Have a dance party in the pouring rain. 

41.  doorstep scene 

42.  have a high school sweetheart 

43.  Visit the house from full house in san fran.

44.  Go parasailing.

45.  Visit all 50 states.

46.  Take my mom to the today show on Rockefeller plaza

47.  See a play on Broadway in New York City.

48.  New Year’s kiss at midnight.

49.  Go on a cruise.

50.  Overcome a fear.

51.  go to MT Rushmore

52.  Buy a pair of legit raybans.

53.  Visit every continent.

54.  The Grand Canyon Sky walk.

55.  Travel to Italy and eat real pizza.

56.  Travel to Mexico and eat real tacos

57.  True Aggie

58.  Long board the canyon @ night

59.  Go to Lake Powell

60.  Buy a one way plane ticket

61.  Attend Wimbledon dressed in all white

62.  Space Needle, Seattle, WA

63.  Nashville, TN

64.  Chicago Cubs baseball game

65.  Hollywood Walk of Fame, LA, CA

66.  Golden Gate Bridge, SF, CA

67.  Watch Steph Curry play

68.  SeaWorld

69.  Sit front row at the 50 yard line at Charger’s stadium

70.  Be a tour guide at Yosemite National Park

71.  Penguin watching in Chile

72.  Rome, Italy

73.  Cave Restaurant, Italy

74.  Whale watching at São Miguel Island

75.  Sintra National Palace, Portugal

76.  Algarve, Portugal

77.  Octoberfest, Germany

78.  Stockholm, Sweden

79.  Northern lights, Iceland

80.  Cape Town, South Africa

81.  Great Pyramid of Giza, Egypt

82.  Alexandria, Egypt

83.  Tiger Temple Tour, Thailand

84.  Singapore

85.  Sri Lanka

86.  Great Wall of China

87.  Ancient City of Petra, Jordan

88.  Sydney Opera House

89.  Attend the US Open

90.  Go to the US Open of Surfing

91.  Paddle Board

92.  Snowboard

93.  Mountain-board

94.  Play tennis on grass

95.  Grab a surf-board, put on a wetsuit only up to my hips with a bikini-top and all around, looking like a pro surfer 

96.  Float the Dead Sea

97.  Be comfortable with public speaking

98.  Start a cool company

99. Be a nanny in NYC

oregon for the weekend //

finished my semester at USU and almost immediately jumped on a plane to oregon. we went to downtown portland, cannon beach, a hillsboro half marathon, and the tillamook cheese factory. it was a perfect little trip and i sure love to see my brother and his cute little family. 

dear mother, all flowers remind me of you // the hole in my heart

last year, on my mission, my companion Sister Kitchen & I changed the words to the primary song "i often go walking" and sang it when we skyped.

I often go walking in meadows of clover,

And I gather armfuls of blossoms of blue.

I gather the blossoms the whole meadow over;

Dear mother, all flowers remind me of you.

O Mother, I give you my love with each flower,

to give forth sweet fragrance a whole lifetime through;

For my love of the Savior, Mother, I thank you.

I learn how to love Him, dear Mother, from you<3

 this year on mother's day Angela Kitchen is with her mom. this year i get to spend mother's day in my mom's home state (oregon) with my oldest brother and his family. i'm the luckiest girl in the world. 

i wanted to do something special for mother's day so here is a portion of an essay i wrote in my english 2010 class this semester. we had to pick a word and write an essay embedding experiences from our life. i chose the word "healing" and wrote about several things, and closed it out with an updated version of this post. kind of the story of how she passed away and where i am now.

it's super special to me and sometimes i'm hesitant sharing it, but if it helps people come to terms with their losses and problems i am more than willing to share. 

plus writing is my therapy, if you haven't picked that up already ;)

enjoy! 

xoxo

happy mother's day mommy<3

It was a beautiful warm sunny day in April. We had two weeks left until finals then we were free to enjoy the summer. It was the Saturday before Easter and I hadn’t planned to go home because I was coming home the next weekend for my best friends' farewell. My mom had already sent me an Easter package and everything; she was always so thoughtful. My friend Matt and I had rented a cute puppy for a few hours in the morning and I was wearing my new sundress.

Three hours later I received a call from my Dad that I missed. I called back a few minutes later and to my surprise my sister Rachael answered. The instant she started talking I knew something was wrong. She sounded like she was crying. Rachael never cried. She struggled to get out these words “there’s something wrong with Mom, we’re going to the hospital.” Right then and there I started crying but tried to convince myself it was probably just something to do with her diabetes and it was no big deal . . . but I could hear my dad in the background. 

Frustrated, raising his voice, and panicked. 

Rachael told me she would let me know what was going on when they got to the hospital and found out more information. I hung up and just kind of sat there, hugging my knees, crying. I was scared and flustered. I said about a hundred prayers in my head. I got a few of my things together and planned to start the two hour drive home. 

As I was finishing up I got the following text from Rachael: It is a heart attack, they’re taking her to Utah Valley Regional.

I felt as though someone had punched me in the stomach and knocked the wind out of me. I began sobbing. Next thing I knew I was in the car with my friend, Jeremy, headed to the hospital. The whole ride is kind of a blur. I was crying so hard my head hurt. Jeremy kept telling me that everything was going to be okay. 

I remember saying over and over “I don’t know what I’m going to do if my mom dies.”

 We arrived at the hospital in an hour and thirty seven minutes, Jeremy must have been speeding. He gave me a hug, wished me luck, and I ran inside. I started walking down this long, eerily quiet, empty hallway. I was wearing sandals and I remember them making a lot of noise. It felt like the longest walk of my life. I rounded a corner and saw my brother in law, Gavin, with red eyes and tears streaming down his face.

I knew, but I didn’t want to believe it.

Next, I saw my dad walking swiftly towards me with the same look on his face. He put his arms around me and held me close. Then he uttered the most heartbreaking thing he could have ever said, it was one of those things you hear in movies and never think will actually happen to you. 

“Nell, I’m so sorry. The doctors did everything they could, but she didn't make it”

I could barely stand up, I was hysterical, and I kept uttering “no . . . no . . . no . . .”

April nineteenth, two thousand fourteen was the hardest day of my life. The days that followed went surprisingly well as my family, friends, and neighbors came together. It was as if we could physically feel all the prayers being said for us. We were lifted and we made it through the funeral week feeling confident.

It was the next days and weeks that turned into months that were heavy. I remember feeling like I was broken and that I would never be that same smiling Nellie again. I have never had something cut me to the core so deep. I went to a place I had never been before, nor do I ever want to return; it was cold, dark, and depressing.

I missed her every day; I even missed her nagging and frozen meals for dinner. I failed to wrap my head around why it had to happen to my family. What had we done to deserve this? There was a hole in my heart and it could not be filled, and oh boy, did it ache.

Now, just two years later, the hole remains, but it doesn’t sting nearly as much as it did initially. Still, it aches when friends complain about their mom bothering them about not spending enough time together. It throbs as I watch my friends get married and their mom is present to share the special day with them. It stings when I think about my future kids and how they’ll never know their Grandma Michele. This hole in my heart, it’s going to take a bit longer to heal than my skateboard smashed pointer finger and fifteen year old breakup.

“Healing” meaning to get well, mend, cure, the process of regaining health, or to make whole. They say healing is a process; it takes time, but how much time? When will I be able to go through old pictures of my family without getting teary eyed? When can I expect to tell inquiring friends about my mom without an unforced smile pretending to be okay with it?  How long will it take for me to entirely heal? 

The pain from a broken bone goes away eventually. The aching of losing someone you love is ever present. I think that the hole in my heart will always be there, but I also know that I’m healing. There will still be days that I fall apart over the tiniest thing, but the pain is fading and it’s completely refreshing.  There is a part of me that likes the hole, because it's a reminder of a sweet, caring, smiling mother who loves me and wants her little nellie girl to be happy. So maybe I'll keep the hole and I'll keep trying to be better.