me too.
renting a puppy and wearing my new sun dress because it was finally warm outside, no better way to start a day in Logan.
but it was the day my whole life changed.
at the moment these pictures were taken i had no idea what would occur a few ours later.
three hours later i received a call from my daddy, that i missed.
it was easter weekend and i hadn't planned to come home because i had been home the week before and was coming home the next weekend. my mom had already sent me an easter package and everything. she was always so thoughtful and did so much for me.
i called back a few minutes later to have my sister rachael answer. i was kind of surprised when she answered and not my dad. the instant she started talking i knew something was wrong. she sounded like she was crying. she struggled to get out these words:
"there's something wrong with mom, we're going to the hospital"
right then and there i started crying but tried to convince myself it was probably just something to do with her diabetes and it was no big deal.
but i could hear my dad in the background...frustrated, raising his voice, and seeming slightly panicked.
rachael told me she would let me know what was going on when they got to the hospital and found out more information.
i hung up and just kind of sat there, hugging my knees, crying.
most of all i was scared and didn't feel quite right.
i said about a hundred prayers in my head.
i got together some clothes and other things just in case it was serious and i would need to go home.
as i was finishing up i got the following text from rachael:
"it's a heart attack. they're taking her to utah valley regional"
i felt like someone had punched me in the stomach and knocked the wind out of me. i began sobbing. i ran around my room and grabbed a few more things. next thing i knew i was in the car with my friend jeremy headed to the hospital. the whole ride is kind of a blur. i was crying so hard my head hurt. jeremy kept telling me that everything was going to be okay. i remember saying over and over " i don't know what i'm going to do if my mom dies."
jeremy was so nice to drive me to the hospital and luckily he is from orem so he knew exactly how to get there. he gave me a hug, wished me luck, and i ran inside.
once inside i started walking down this long, eerily quiet, empty hallway. i was wearing sandals and i remember them making a lot of noise. it felt like the longest walk of my life.
i rounded a corner and saw my brother in law, gavin, with red eyes and tears streaming down his face.
i knew, but i didn't want to believe it.
next i saw my dad walking swiftly towards me with the same look on his face.
he put his arms around me and held me close. then he said the most heartbreaking thing he could have ever said, it was one of those things you hear in movies and never think will actually happen to you...
"nell, i'm so sorry. the doctors did everything they could....but...she didn't make it"
i could barely stand up, i was bawling, and i kept saying "no...no...no..."
i couldn't believe it and i still to this day have trouble believing it. that was the worst day of my life. never before have i actually cried so much my head hurt.
that was april 19, the day before easter, and today is two months since then.
the week following went well, considering the circumstances. everything fell into place for the funeral, and most importantly my family was together and made each decision together. it was definitely hard but we could feel the prayers and support from friends and family. there was a certain peace at the funeral and i'm grateful for that.
but i'm not to the point where i have a optimistic attitude about it. i don't wanna pretend like i know it was supposed to happen and turn it into some fantastic learning experience... it still sucks every single day. and that's the terrible reality of it. i never dreamed i would suddenly lose my mom at eighteen years old. i still don't think it's fair. my heart still hurts and i'm just so sad. i miss her so much.
however, i'm okay. yeah...just okay. while some days are better than others, i have to remind myself to take things one day at a time.
i talk to her often and i feel her close to me.
i do feel lucky to have the knowledge of the gospel because i know exactly where she is and most importantly that i'll see her again.
but i don't like that she's gone.
we made it two months, mom, let's pray this eventually gets easier. i'll never stop missing you. i'll never stop loving you xo
Nell, I love you. We'll keep being okay together.
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