the day my life changed forever //

remember this sunny & fun day two months ago? 

me too.

renting a puppy and wearing my new sun dress because it was finally warm outside, no better way to start a day in Logan.

but it was the day my whole life changed.

at the moment these pictures were taken i had no idea what would occur a few ours later.

three hours later i received a call from my daddy, that i missed.

it was easter weekend and i hadn't planned to come home because i had been home the week before and was coming home the next weekend. my mom had already sent me an easter package and everything. she was always so thoughtful and did so much for me.

i called back a few minutes later to have my sister rachael answer. i was kind of surprised when she answered and not my dad. the instant she started talking i knew something was wrong. she sounded like she was crying. she struggled to get out these words:

"there's something wrong with mom, we're going to the hospital"

right then and there i started crying but tried to convince myself it was probably just something to do with her diabetes and it was no big deal.

but i could hear my dad in the background...frustrated, raising his voice, and seeming slightly panicked. 

rachael told me she would let me know what was going on when they got to the hospital and found out more information.

i hung up and just kind of sat there, hugging my knees, crying.

most of all i was scared and didn't feel quite right.

i said about a hundred prayers in my head.

i got together some clothes and other things just in case it was serious and i would need to go home. 

as i was finishing up i got the following text from rachael:

"it's a heart attack. they're taking her to utah valley regional"

i felt like someone had punched me in the stomach and knocked the wind out of me. i began sobbing. i ran around my room and grabbed a few more things. next thing i knew i was in the car with my friend jeremy headed to the hospital. the whole ride is kind of a blur. i was crying so hard my head hurt. jeremy kept telling me that everything was going to be okay. i remember saying over and over " i don't know what i'm going to do if my mom dies." 

jeremy was so nice to drive me to the hospital and luckily he is from orem so he knew exactly how to get there. he gave me a hug, wished me luck, and i ran inside.

once inside i started walking down this long, eerily quiet, empty hallway. i was wearing sandals and i remember them making a lot of noise. it felt like the longest walk of my life.

i rounded a corner and saw my brother in law, gavin, with red eyes and tears streaming down his face.

i knew, but i didn't want to believe it.

next i saw my dad walking swiftly towards me with the same look on his face. 

he put his arms around me and held me close. then he said the most heartbreaking thing he could have ever said, it was one of those things you hear in movies and never think will actually happen to you...

"nell, i'm so sorry. the doctors did everything they could....but...she didn't make it"

i could barely stand up, i was bawling, and i kept saying "no...no...no..."

i couldn't believe it and i still to this day have trouble believing it. that was the worst day of my life. never before have i actually cried so much my head hurt. 

that was april 19, the day before easter, and today is two months since then. 

the week following went well, considering the circumstances. everything fell into place for the funeral, and most importantly my family was together and made each decision together. it was definitely hard but we could feel the prayers and support from friends and family. there was a certain peace at the funeral and i'm grateful for that.

but i'm not to the point where i have a optimistic attitude about it. i don't wanna pretend like i know it was supposed to happen and turn it into some fantastic learning experience... it still sucks every single day. and that's the terrible reality of it. i never dreamed i would suddenly lose my mom at eighteen years old. i still don't think it's fair. my heart still hurts and i'm just so sad. i miss her so much. 

however, i'm okay. yeah...just okay. while some days are better than others, i have to remind myself to take things one day at a time.

i talk to her often and i feel her close to me.

i do feel lucky to have the knowledge of the gospel because i know exactly where she is and most importantly that i'll see her again.

 but i don't like that she's gone.

we made it two months, mom, let's pray this eventually gets easier. i'll never stop missing you. i'll never stop loving you xo

exploring escalante // summer fun

last weekend my brother in law decided he wanted to rent a jeep and do some exploring in Escalante. of course, he invited me to come along as i am his favorite (& most fun) adventure buddy. we grabbed two of his sons and his dad and went for a quick weekend trip. we've been there before and we loved it so much it's kind of turned into an annual thing. 

i'm so lucky to have such a fun family that loves hiking and seeing new places!

peek-a-boo slot

we stayed in the cutest little cabin

calf creek falls (my personal fav)

we spent a few hours there just playing in the waterfall
and enjoying the view, mm that was a good day

gavin thinks he's hilarious jumping in my pictures...(kidding, love you:)

our baby for the weekend, so sad taking her back...

summer means nice weather and green grass
so sundays call for backyard baseball with dad/grandpa

bridal veil falls in provo canyon

we borrowed long boards & went up provo canyon
 for a nice afternoon cruise

hiked up bridal veil along the way to cool off in the freezing water
and of course we snapped a few pics to remember the day

we have so much fun
I LOVE SUMMER

you're the only TEN I SEE//

these last couple weeks myself, my sister and dad went on a little trip down south. more specifically, to the towns and places my daddy served his mission some thirty-seven years ago--originally called to the Little Rock, Arkansas mission but spent most of his time in Tennessee.

my dad has always told us mission stories and we've seen some pictures, but actually going there, meeting people he converted and baptized, and seeing the places he served in...there are no words. it was just unbelievably cool. 

we were luckily enough to be welcomed into the home of what my dad likes to call his "southern family". they gave us a taste of what life is all about in the south and tried to teach us how to "talk right" (after a little while i started saying ya'll and began slippin' into their southern drawl) 

the Carnell's wanted to make sure we
experienced real barbecue so we drove out to
 the middle of nowhere to the famous BOZO's
and danggg they were right, it was SO good

next we stopped off at the Safari Park
where Rachael got attacked by a couple emoos...

ferocious little things...let me tell ya

next was shooting at their farm
 notice how extremely huge the gun i shot was...
i enjoyed watching (;

definitely a highlight for me, going back to the Chandler's
& reenacting the day my dad (then a missionary)
met the family and changed their lives forever

memorial day was spent at the shiloh battle field
the location of a huge battle during the civil war
here we are representing the union and confederate soldiers...

next we ventured off to St. Louis for a
couple days to do some touristy things
first up was the gateway to the west arch

up in the top of the arch
& yes we did purchase cardinals shirts as soon as we got there..

what better way to see st. louis than on a trolley tour?

i wish the pictures could convey how
awesome and gigantic the arch is in person

being the huge baseball fans that we are, of course
we had to catch a cardinals game
(then won and better yet they beat the yankees!)

day 2 in Missouri began at the St. Louis Zoo
(which is free and basically the disneyland of zoos)
the butterfly atrium was easily favorite
 b/c this cutie landed on my hand
& they say that never happens

we grabbed lunch at the Boat House in Forest Park
definitely a place to check out if you ever find yourself in St. Louis

enjoying all the views in Forest Park
(often compared to central park in NYC
but waaay bigger & cooler)

ahhh this is seriously the coolest place ever
 it's called the City Museum in downtown St. Louis
basically it's a huge playground with all kinds
of tunnels, slides, and passage ways
everything is made from old pieces from the city
we had so much fun running around and definitely
going down all the slides not to mention looking at
all the cultural aspects (;

didn't take any pictures of the inside
(b/c we were having too much fun)
but here's a look at what is outside...so awesome

the last couple of days were spent back in Tennessee just enjoying the company of our southern family: shopping, relaxing, bowling, and watching movies. it was definitely one of my favorite vacations we've ever taken. the most amazing thing though was seeing the huge impact my dad had on this family and their generations to come. missions are truly inspired and completely life changing.